This evening, with time alone to think, a wave of what can simply be called feeling sorry for myself took me over for a bit. Thoughts summed up as this is not the way it was supposed to go. Four surgeries, too many moves, no job, no real path, no new friends made in years because of the other things. Zoom out: and I’m comforted by this: Some people get a later start than others.
I feel like the gun went off and I took off running, I tripped, got up and tripped harder, got up and tripped even harder, over and over and over again. And it happened so consecutively that I didn’t get 5 feet past the start. Thinking of typing up my resume again for our move to California makes me nauseous. How did I manage to be this person? Many people, especially in their twenties, feel lost and like they haven’t gotten anywhere. I thought determination and energy could get me out of this lot but I seem to be the shining star of it.
But. If there were to be a God, let’s call it a Nature Force, I imagine this NF waving a magic wand over the planet. Each of us has free will but the wand is cast over each of us as well. I know which things that were under my control got me to where I am today and I know which things have been subject to the wand. Damn that wand! Give me a freakin break!!!!
Thinking about this NF is calming however. I’ve been embracing misfortune as just that: a stroke of bad luck. But one step further is I’ve been embracing stuff as just that: a stroke of this and that. It is possible to simplify the story of your life. See it as a canvas. NF throws some paint and other stuff at it, and us, the canvas, reacts – chemically, mechanically, emotionally, psychologically. (Can’t you just imagine the canvas reacting?)
“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late, or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
Yours Truly, Jellyflower Sunfish